


if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick i donno im still tryna work out the central themes

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Karkat's been writing something.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 32
Kudos: 186





	if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick i donno im still tryna work out the central themes

DAVE: hey karkat are you-  
KARKAT: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
DAVE: whoa  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK DAVE!!!!  
DAVE: dude what the fuck  
DAVE: are you ok  
KARKAT: JESUS *FUCK* YOU’RE QUIET!!!  
DAVE: oh yeah i was gettin my float on  
KARKAT: I FUCKING *HATE* IT WHEN YOU FLOAT!  
DAVE: i know man thats why i never do it when im with you  
DAVE: shit what do you take me for  
DAVE: i am nothing if not a conscientious bro  
DAVE: bros who walk together  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: talk together  
DAVE: i know that sounds lame as shit but to be fair we DO usually do both those things so technically its hella apt  
KARKAT: WELL TOO BAD, DAVE, IT JUST GOT APTER!  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I HAVE OFFICIALLY REVOKED YOUR FLOATING ALONE PRIVILEGES, TOO!  
DAVE: oh what  
KARKAT: I CAN’T FUCKING *HEAR* YOU WHEN YOU JUST DRIFT AROUND LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: HOW LONG WERE YOU FUCKING BEHIND ME????  
DAVE: whoa man chill out  
DAVE: i just got here  
DAVE: kinda wish i hadnt tho  
DAVE: since clearly somethin way skeevy was happening on your computer  
KARKAT: AUUUUGHHHH!  
DAVE: holy shit karkat  
DAVE: were you  
DAVE: were you watching troll porn  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: oh shit  
DAVE: i am so fucking curious and at the same time incredibly weirded out  
DAVE: like i wanna know  
DAVE: i so desperately wanna know  
DAVE: but i also kinda never ever ever wanna know you know  
DAVE: like im afraid the knowledgell actually kill me  
DAVE: oh man  
DAVE: i think my brain might actually split in half over this one karkat  
DAVE: ahh whatever just show me  
DAVE: who the fuck am i tryna kid  
DAVE: i gotta see this  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT PORN, DAVE!  
KARKAT: FOR *FUCK’S* SAKE!  
DAVE: oh what  
DAVE: cmon karkat  
DAVE: you dont gotta protect me  
DAVE: im ready  
DAVE: oh wait oh fuck how have i never considered this  
DAVE: is there like  
DAVE: different porn for different quadrants  
DAVE: oh my god whats the pale one like  
DAVE: is it just snuggling and talking through your problems  
DAVE: do folks get off on that  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: get off on friendship  
DAVE: oh my god they must  
KARKAT: SHUT UP DAVE!  
KARKAT: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!  
KARKAT: I WASN’T WATCHING ANYTHING!  
KARKAT: I WAS...  
KARKAT: I WAS WRITING.  
DAVE: oh damn  
DAVE: were you  
DAVE: ...were you writing a friendship porno karkat  
KARKAT: NO! NO ONE HAS BROUGHT UP PALE PORN EXCEPT FOR YOU, DAVE!!  
DAVE: ok the way that rolled right off your tongue means its DEFINITELY a thing  
KARKAT: AHHH!  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: were for sure comin back to that one later  
DAVE: but whatever  
DAVE: what ARE you writing  
DAVE: can i see  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, DAVE. LET’S EXAMINE THE FACTS.  
KARKAT: YOU FLEW IN HERE LIKE A FUCKING STEALTHY PIECE OF GARBAGE.  
KARKAT: I SLAMMED MY HUSKTOP SHUT AND ALMOST DID AN ACROBATIC FUCKING PIROUETTE OFF THE COUCH.  
DAVE: nice  
KARKAT: I THEN PROCEEDED TO SHRIEK AT YOU, ASKING HOW LONG YOU’D BEEN LEERING OVER MY SHOULDER LIKE THE FUCKING WISPY SILENT CREEP YOU ARE.  
KARKAT: NOW YOU’RE ASKING IF YOU CAN SEE WHAT I WAS WRITING.  
KARKAT: WHAT DO *YOU* THINK MY ANSWER’S GONNA BE, DAVE?  
DAVE: yes  
DAVE: but only cuz you like me so much  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!  
DAVE: cmon bro what are you writing  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, DAVE, I *JUST* SAID I’M NOT TELLING YOU!  
DAVE: no you said i cant see it  
DAVE: you didnt say shit about telling me what it is  
KARKAT: WELL NOW I’M SAYING IT!  
KARKAT: FUCK NO!  
KARKAT: THIS IS PRIVATE!  
DAVE: no karkat you gotta   
KARKAT: I DON’T GOTTA DO JACK DICK, DAVE!  
DAVE: cmon i share my tracks with you all the time  
KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN ASK YOU TO DO THAT!  
KARKAT: YOU JUST FUCKING SEND THEM TO ME AT ALL HOURS!  
DAVE: yeah but you love em  
DAVE: if i stopped sending em youd totally come beggin  
KARKAT: NO I FUCKING WOULDN’T!  
DAVE: anyway i GOTTA send em to you now  
DAVE: youre on most of em  
DAVE: itd be weird as hell to have a song by dave strider feat. k master v if k master v didnt even get to hear it  
KARKAT: WE DID *NOT* AGREE ON THAT NAME!  
DAVE: pretty sure we did  
KARKAT: NO WE *FUCKING* DIDN’T!  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I AGREE TO THAT IF YOU JUST GET TO HAVE YOUR REAL NAME??  
DAVE: sorry its on all the mp3s already  
DAVE: you cant just change an mp3 name karkat  
DAVE: that shit is locked in  
KARKAT: AUUUGH!  
DAVE: cmon those tracks with you on em are fire  
DAVE: k master vs gonna be a household name  
KARKAT: THERE ARE NO FUCKING HOUSEHOLDS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THERE ARE SIX OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE ON THIS WHOLE GODFORSAKEN METEOR, AND THEY ALL ALREADY *KNOW* MY NAME!!  
DAVE: yeah but theyre not gonna give a shit about you now  
DAVE: theyre all gonna wanna get to know k master v  
KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* YOU BETTER NOT TELL ANYBODY THAT FUCKING STUPID NAME, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THAT IS THE LAST FUCKING THING I NEED!  
DAVE: fine i wont  
KARKAT: THANK YOU!  
DAVE: if you tell me what youre writing  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT.  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: ok shit you want me to guess then  
KARKAT: NO I FUCKING DON’T!  
DAVE: ok karkat if you insist  
DAVE: you got the worst fucking poker face ive ever seen but fine well play it your way  
DAVE: are you  
DAVE: writing  
DAVE: one of your silly lil computer viruses  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: no dont think so  
DAVE: how about...  
DAVE: a hot new k master v beat  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: AND STOP *FUCKING* SAYING THAT!  
DAVE: haha now thats a REALLY fuckin shitty poker face  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: how bout  
DAVE: a romance novel  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: ok so pretty sure thats not it  
DAVE: but that face has got me all kinds of suspicious  
DAVE: that face just waltzed in an plunked a sherlock holmes hat right on my head  
DAVE: stuck ten magnifying glasses in each of my unsuspecting hands  
DAVE: which now theyve felt that twentyfold grip of cool deductive steel are all ABOUT suspecting  
DAVE: their unsuspecting days are over  
DAVE: theyre just part of the greater sum that is dave strider clue finder extraordinaire  
DAVE: and i just found the first and only clue  
DAVE: that is your fucking face right now  
DAVE: that face is leadin me to believe that while youre not workin on it now  
DAVE: you DO have the draft of at least one novel on there  
KARKAT: NO COMMENT.  
DAVE: haha fuckin great  
KARKAT: I SAID NO COMMENT!  
DAVE: yeah but cmon dude no comment is just shorthand for yes dave i most definitely do youre so good at finding clues that hat looks slick as hell on you howd you get so goddamn cool  
KARKAT: NO IT’S FUCKING NOT!  
DAVE: uh yes it is karkat  
DAVE: but ok  
DAVE: unless youre writin me a beautiful love letter  
DAVE: in which case by the way im v touched  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  
DAVE: yeah the only other thing i can imagine is its a script  
DAVE: its definitely a movie script  
DAVE: it is karkat isnt it  
KARKAT: SIIIIGH  
DAVE: ohhh my god yes  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!  
DAVE: what why  
DAVE: this is amazing  
DAVE: come on  
DAVE: lets break that shit open like we bought a new boat  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: lemme see!  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT.  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: why not  
KARKAT: WHY *NOT??*  
DAVE: yeah cmon show me  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!  
DAVE: just let me see!  
KARKAT: FUCKING NO, DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T EVEN READ IT ANYWAY!  
KARKAT: IT’S ALL IN ALTERNIAN!  
KARKAT: IT’S USELESS TO YOU!  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: “alternians” just english with fuckin troll letters  
DAVE: i can read that shit now  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
DAVE: SOMEBODY taught me  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHY DID I DO THAT?  
DAVE: what do you mean why it was a fuckin beautiful exchange of knowledge with our friends from beyond the stars  
DAVE: also so we could have book club  
DAVE: im halfway through that crazy fish people one already  
DAVE: and lemme tell you it is TRASHY as FUCK  
DAVE: i swear to god karkat you shouldnt be embarrassed about whatever youre writin cuz theres no WAY its got more shameful ass smut than that book  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: oh my fucking god karkat  
DAVE: does it??  
KARKAT: I BET YOU’D LOVE TO KNOW!  
DAVE: uh yes i would thats right  
KARKAT: BUT YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO!  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I AM *NEVER* SHOWING YOU THIS SCRIPT!  
DAVE: oh what the fuck  
DAVE: gimme a reason  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: cmon your last one sucked  
DAVE: just fire another at me and ill blast it outta the sky too with my logic cannon  
KARKAT: YOUR LOGIC CANNON.  
DAVE: damn straight  
DAVE: its primed and ready for some karkat bullshit  
KARKAT: DAVE, REMINDING ME THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO READ ISN’T “LOGIC.”  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST... REMINDING ME OF A FACT I ALREADY KNEW.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T JUST PUT ONE FACT I ALREADY KNOW IN A LOGIC CANNON.  
KARKAT: IT’S GONNA GUM UP THE WORKS.  
KARKAT: IT’S OOZING OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR.  
KARKAT: YOUR CANNON’S USELESS, DAVE.  
DAVE: what no its fine  
DAVE: i got my trusty lil chimney sweep to clear all the fact goo out  
KARKAT: PFFF  
DAVE: yep his names pip or some shit and he did a great job  
DAVE: this cannons as clean as a freshly swept chimney on a cockney morn  
DAVE: now cmon  
DAVE: just TRY an tell me why you cant show me  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW, DAVE??  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS?  
DAVE: not a fuckin clue man  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE!  
KARKAT: IT’S...  
KARKAT: IT’S EMBARRASSING!!!  
DAVE: aw really  
KARKAT: *YES* REALLY!  
KARKAT: BELIEVE IT OR NOT I’VE ACTUALLY BEEN WORKING HARD ON THIS THING.  
KARKAT: SINCE BEFORE THE GAME, EVEN.  
DAVE: oh shit  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
KARKAT: AND I AM NOT JUST GONNA DRAG IT OUT INTO THE LIGHT SO *YOU* OF ALL PEOPLE CAN SHIT ALL OVER IT!  
DAVE: what im not gonna shit on it  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, DAVE?  
KARKAT: YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ IT YET AND YOU’VE STILL SOMEHOW MANAGED TO INSULT IT TWENTY DIFFERENT WAYS!  
DAVE: naw but if you actually show me ill be nice  
KARKAT: NO YOU WON’T!  
DAVE: ok i might make fun of it a little if it deserves it  
KARKAT: AHH!  
DAVE: but whatever right?  
DAVE: well still have a good time  
KARKAT: NO WE FUCKING WON’T!  
DAVE: please karkat  
DAVE: just lemme see the scene you were workin on  
DAVE: we can workshop it  
DAVE: ooh shit we could act it out even  
DAVE: tread the fuckin boards  
DAVE: boards are gonna be like that snake  
KARKAT: WHAT SNAKE? THERE'S A SNAKE??  
DAVE: yeah the snake that says dont tread on me  
KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: doesnt matter the point is were not gonna listen to it  
DAVE: cuz were gonna tread all up on those boards  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: IT’S A ROMANCE, DAVE!  
DAVE: yeah i know  
KARKAT: THINK ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: *YOU* WANT TO ACT OUT THIS SEXY, ROMANTIC SCENE.  
KARKAT: WITH *ME.*  
DAVE: yeah sure  
KARKAT: OH WHAT THE *FUCK!!!!*  
DAVE: whoa  
KARKAT: THIS IS TOO MUCH! THIS BEGGARS BELIEF!  
KARKAT: MY BELIEF HAS BEEN REDUCED TO BEGGING!  
KARKAT: IT’S LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE!  
DAVE: like a troll  
KARKAT: WHAT???  
DAVE: nothin dont worry bout it  
DAVE: just tell me more about this tale of woe  
DAVE: what happened to your belief karkat  
DAVE: whys it fallin on such hard times  
KARKAT: WHY?  
DAVE: yeah maybe if i understand its plight i can help it out  
DAVE: toss it some change  
DAVE: take it to a soup kitchen  
DAVE: buy it a suit get it a job interview  
DAVE: introduce it to haley joel osment in pay it forward  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
KARKAT: MY BELIEF IS LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE IN A HIVE CRUDELY CONSTRUCTED OUT OF SHOPPING CARTS BECAUSE I THOUGHT IF THERE WAS *ONE THING* I COULD COUNT ON FROM YOU EVEN MORE RELIABLY THAN SUPREMELY STUPID TANGENTS SUCH AS THIS ONE, IT WAS YOUR SWIFT AND IRREVERSIBLE SHUTDOWN AT THE SLIGHTEST MENTION OF ANYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CONSTRUED AS “GAY!”  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: really  
KARKAT: YES REALLY!  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT FOR SURE THE MERE THOUGHT OF ACTING OUT A ROMANTIC SCENE WITH ME WOULD PUT THE KIBOSH ON THIS WHOLE FUCKING CONVERSATION FOR GOOD.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: well thats easy  
DAVE: this is art  
KARKAT: ART??  
DAVE: yeah man art  
DAVE: you can be hella gay for art nobody gives a shit  
DAVE: its culture  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
DAVE: yeah man you got any idea how much of western civilizations classic art is just dicks on muscular dudes, carved by other dudes  
DAVE: its like 80 percent minimum  
DAVE: and that is our foundational art  
DAVE: like everything else just grew out of those great dicks of old  
KARKAT: YOU’VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.  
DAVE: nope i shit you not  
DAVE: hell even in my own work  
DAVE: youve seen sweet bro and hella jeff  
DAVE: remember the one where they hugged  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK-  
DAVE: the homoerotic charge was PALPABLE  
DAVE: not a dry seat in the house  
KARKAT: EUUUUGHH!  
DAVE: but you know what its art  
DAVE: so its ok  
DAVE: and jeff and bro are professionals they know whats up  
DAVE: they both went home to their wives at the end of the night and talked very openly and maturely about what happened on set  
KARKAT: NO THEY FUCKING DIDN’T, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THEY “WENT HOME” TO THE SEETHING, HELLISH, UNFOCUSED, CONTRADICTION-RIDDLED CESSPOOL OF YOUR DISGUSTING MIND.  
DAVE: yeah thats where their wives live  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
DAVE: so cmon tell me all about this scene were gonna do  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: cmon were doin it  
KARKAT: NO WE ARE *NOT!*  
DAVE: what yes we totally are  
DAVE: paint me a picture karkat  
DAVE: lay out all the deets  
DAVE: how do you get in the zone for troll romance  
DAVE: well ok  
DAVE: obvious first question  
DAVE: what quadrant are we talkin here  
DAVE: is it the buddy one or the one no one cares about or one of the sexy ones  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: ok im taking that look to be firm confirmation that its a sexy one  
DAVE: dont even try to deny it the more you do the sexier im gonna assume it is  
DAVE: dont even need my sherlock hat for that  
DAVE: now is it the regular human one or the s&m on steroids and also no m one  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: cmon karkat red or black  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: holy shit is it BOTH  
DAVE: oh my god karkat do we not have enough PEOPLE for this scene??  
DAVE: should i go get the mayor  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, NO!  
KARKAT: DON’T GET THE FUCKING MAYOR!  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANNA EXPOSE HIM TO THIS KIND OF THING!  
DAVE: oh fuck youre right  
DAVE: i can handle your gross smut karkat i believe in myself  
DAVE: but theres no way we can expose the mayors purity to trash like this  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU!  
DAVE: although  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: i mean...  
DAVE: lets be honest about somethin here  
DAVE: we never talk about it but  
DAVE: im pretty sure the mayors actually way older than us  
KARKAT: OH. YEAH...  
DAVE: i mean for real  
DAVE: youve heard his stories  
DAVE: the dude had a farm  
DAVE: a house  
DAVE: he led a rebellion  
DAVE: he was in a fucking war man  
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT...  
DAVE: i mean damn  
KARKAT: THE MAYOR’S SO MUCH FUN, IT’S REALLY EASY TO FORGET ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT.  
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: honestly dude i think the mayor probably knows a lot more about life and love than our dumb asses combined  
KARKAT: FUCK, YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: MAYBE I SHOULD GET HIM TO READ MY SCRIPT.  
KARKAT: HE MIGHT HAVE SOME GOOD INSIGHTS.  
DAVE: oh karkat what the fuck  
DAVE: are you actually gonna let the mayor read it and not me  
KARKAT: I DONNO DAVE, MAYBE!  
KARKAT: YOU JUST SAID YOURSELF HE KNOWS A LOT MORE ABOUT THIS SHIT THAN EITHER OF US!  
DAVE: yeah but that doesnt mean i dont know anything  
DAVE: you dont have to fuckin protect my purity ok  
DAVE: i had the internet  
KARKAT: YEAH I HAD THE INTERNET, TOO!  
KARKAT: AND I’VE ALSO READ LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF ROMANCE NOVELS AND SEEN *THOUSANDS* OF ROMANCE FILMS!  
KARKAT: UNLIKE YOU!  
DAVE: oh what ive seen plenty of your shitty movies  
KARKAT: YOU’VE SEEN FOUR!  
DAVE: well thats because theyre insanely long and boring karkat  
DAVE: thats not my fault  
DAVE: and im even readin one of your shitty books!  
KARKAT: OH GREAT, YOU’VE STRUGGLED THROUGH HALF A BOOK!  
KARKAT: I’M SURE YOU’RE JUST BRIMMING WITH WISDOM!  
DAVE: fuck you alternian is not my first language  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT A FUCKING LANGUAGE, DAVE! YOU SAID IT YOURSELF! IT'S JUST ENGLISH WITH DIFFERENT LETTERS! YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING DONE BY NOW!  
DAVE: yeah well when the fuck am i sposed to find time to read when theres all these fuckin mysteries afoot  
KARKAT: MYSTERIES??  
DAVE: yeah!  
DAVE: the fuckin case of the sexy ass screenplay im not allowed to read  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: hey thats got a good ring to it  
DAVE: you know what maybe im gonna write my own script  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah its a hard boiled detective story starring me  
DAVE: or maybe it should be a novel  
DAVE: i bet itd play really great as a ya series  
KARKAT: UGH.  
DAVE: yeah and you know what karkat because were such best bros i will GLADLY let you read it  
DAVE: no matter how psychologically revealing it is  
KARKAT: YOUR YOUNG ADULT DETECTIVE SERIES IS PSYCHOLOGICALLY REVEALING.  
DAVE: hell yes it is if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies  
KARKAT: BAHAHA!  
DAVE: or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick  
DAVE: i donno im still tryna work out the central themes  
DAVE: might need to run it by a focus group or two  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE PIXELS?  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A NOVEL.  
DAVE: yeah theres pixels in my novel karkat  
DAVE: god damn you think theres NOT gonna be pixels  
DAVE: this is a multi media affair  
DAVE: you seriously think im gonna be bound by a single medium karkat  
DAVE: that is crazy talk  
DAVE: the talk of a raving madman  
DAVE: you actually sound insane right now  
KARKAT: SORRY, DAVE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK CAME OVER ME.  
DAVE: its ok my arts ahead of its time  
DAVE: cant expect you to always keep up with the cutting edge of young adult literature  
DAVE: or yal as we call it in the biz  
KARKAT: OH YOU’RE IN THE BIZ NOW?  
DAVE: fuck yes im in the biz karkat i AM the biz  
DAVE: since the rest of the biz exploded  
DAVE: i am the biz and oddly enough also its key demographic  
KARKAT: HAHA  
DAVE: so  
KARKAT: SO WHAT?  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: can i read it  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: seriously after all that  
KARKAT: ALL THAT?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS “ALL THAT,” DAVE?  
KARKAT: YOU JUST BABBLED AT ME FOR A WHILE ABOUT DICKS AND PIXELS!  
DAVE: yeah dude exactly thats what i do every time we talk  
DAVE: and usually you love it that shit works like a fuckin charm  
DAVE: i feel like you dont even know me here  
DAVE: have we met before   
DAVE: hi whats up im dave im from texas and im cool as hell  
DAVE: sweet orange guys on your head are those horns or what  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE.  
KARKAT: LISTEN TO YOURSELF!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE LITERALLY TELLING ME I SHOULD DO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU JUST TRUCKED OUT THE SAME OLD BULLSHIT YOU ALWAYS DO!  
KARKAT: THIS IS SO FUCKING WEAK.  
DAVE: ok fine  
DAVE: you want somethin different  
DAVE: how bout sincerity  
KARKAT: HA.  
DAVE: yeah you laugh  
DAVE: i can do sincerity karkat  
DAVE: i can be so sincere  
DAVE: im the king of sincere  
DAVE: havent been around for a while  
DAVE: got a regent rulin in my stead  
DAVE: denethor  
DAVE: TOTAL dick  
DAVE: chowed down on some sloppy tomatoes while his son got shot and billy boyd sang like an angel  
KARKAT: IS THIS THE SINCERE PART OR...  
DAVE: no fuck this isnt the sincere part  
DAVE: my point is the kings back baby  
DAVE: just like in the lord of the rings  
DAVE: its cool cuz his name was kinda strider too  
DAVE: but dont read into that too much ok i dont think were gonna find any more parallels  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: so heres my sincerity are you ready karkat  
KARKAT: I’M READY.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: it really hurt me when you didnt want to show me your probably unconscionably smutty little pansexual polyamorous screenplay that im sure is a god damn tumblr wet dream  
KARKAT: UGGH.  
DAVE: even though i so graciously offered to give you an advanced, signed copy of my upcoming autobiographical hardy boys knockoff dave strider and the case of the missing dicks  
KARKAT: PFFF  
DAVE: no laughing  
DAVE: im pourin my heart out here dude its unbelievably uncool to laugh  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
DAVE: yeah you better be  
DAVE: ok where was i  
KARKAT: THE CASE OF THE MISSING DICKS.  
DAVE: oh right  
DAVE: you prolly dont wanna show me because youre worried ill make fun of you  
DAVE: and to be fair that is a hella accurate prediction  
DAVE: im sure there are so many things to make fun of in your screenplay im gonna be like a kid in a stilted dialogue candy shop  
DAVE: but the truth is even if it sucks im still probably gonna love it  
DAVE: i bet it doesnt suck for the record  
DAVE: i think theres a solid chance that its silly as hell  
DAVE: but theres also a not tiny chance that youre actually really fuckin good at it  
DAVE: and the point is no matter what its actually like  
DAVE: i think its so incredibly cool that you have the balls to do it at all  
DAVE: youre so creative man  
DAVE: thats one of the things i like most about you  
DAVE: and even cooler is you actually follow through with it  
DAVE: like youre actually taking that creativity and putting it toward something  
DAVE: i respect the hell outta that  
DAVE: and i know its scary to make something  
DAVE: but its hells scarier to actually show it to somebody else  
DAVE: like that might even be the hardest part  
DAVE: so you dont have to show it to me  
DAVE: but if you do  
DAVE: i want you to know that i understand  
DAVE: and that ill be really fuckin honored  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: pffff  
KARKAT: OH  
DAVE: ffhahhahahahaha  
KARKAT: OH *FUCK* *YOU* DAVE!  
DAVE: hahahahahaha  
DAVE: how was that  
DAVE: did i pass  
DAVE: can i read it now or what  
KARKAT: NO! YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT!  
DAVE: are you fucking kidding me karkat  
DAVE: after all that nice shit i said  
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T COUNT IF YOU LAUGH, YOU COLOSSAL THROBBING HEMORRHOID!  
KARKAT: IT COMPLETELY NULLIFIES EVERYTHING YOU SAID FOR THE PREVIOUS... HALF HOUR!  
DAVE: half an hour aw cmon  
KARKAT: AT LEAST!  
DAVE: but we havent even been talkin that long  
KARKAT: YEAH WELL IT NULLIFIED ALL THOSE POINTLESS SOLILOQUIES YOU WERE DEFINITELY SPEWING WHILE YOU WERE FUCKING WAFTING AROUND THE HALLS BY YOURSELF TOO!  
DAVE: oh no what  
DAVE: i had some good shit in those soliloquies  
KARKAT: TOO BAD, THEY’RE GONE!  
DAVE: god dammit  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: are you really not gonna let me read it  
KARKAT: I’M REALLY NOT GONNA, DAVE.  
KARKAT: NOT UNTIL IT’S FINISHED, ANYWAY.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: how bout then  
KARKAT: I’LL THINK ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: IN THE MEANTIME SEE IF YOU CAN DREDGE UP SOME MORE NICE SHIT TO SAY TO ME.  
KARKAT: AND WORK ON YOUR FUCKING DELIVERY!  
KARKAT: FOR SOMEBODY WHO’S SO GOOD AT HIS POKER FACE, YOU REALLY OUGHTA BE BETTER AT THIS.  
DAVE: yeah youd think  
DAVE: maybe im just allergic to sincerity  
KARKAT: MM.  
DAVE: you want me to leave you alone  
DAVE: let you work  
KARKAT: NO, YOU CAN STAY.  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: STAY THE *FUCK* ON YOUR SIDE OF THE COUCH!  
KARKAT: IF YOU SO MUCH AS GLANCE OVER HERE I’M KICKING YOUR ASS OUT!  
DAVE: ok ok  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: thanks k master v  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU.  



End file.
